Night 15 and Day 16 - Wimps and Wolves

"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is." German proverb.

Night 15 - Wimps Need Not Apply (We’re Wimpy)

Adoption is not for wimps, and tonight, we are feeling pretty wimpy. Honestly, it is a very tough and emotional night for us. Although she is making great progress, we realize that Nina is behind in all areas of her development and especially her language and social skills.

It is one thing when you hear about these delays in an adoption training course and think you are prepared for it. It is quite another when you have a call with your doctor and it is confirmed that your baby is developmentally delayed. That is where we are tonight.

Our immediate questions are:

1. Can this be fixed once we get her home? Can a loving, stimulating environment with high energy kids and tired yet committed parents pull her out of this?

2. Or is this some long-term problem where she will always be delayed? Is there something fundamentally wrong?

The problem is that at this stage and without any family history, it is impossible to determine the answer. Since doctors don’t need to prepare us for the former and nicer scenario, the discussions with doctors (and our minds) drift to the latter and more troubling scenario.

As our minds dwell there tonight, our hope turns to fear and fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. And on this night, the wolf is looking really big to us.

It is gut-check time as questions race through our minds. Are we doing the right thing? What will her life be like? How will this affect Nick and Natalie? Do we want to move forward given these risks? Our minds are racing. Fed by this anxiety, we find ourselves re-examining why we are adopting in the first place. Why are we doing this?

We reflect on the reasons: to honor God by taking care of those who cannot take care of themselves, and to give this precious little girl a chance in life and a family who loves her.

So do these risks affect our decision? Are we going to love this girl any less? Regardless of her development, is her life going to be better with or without our family?

After looking at it this way, the answer once again becomes clear. This little girl is already our daughter in our hearts. God has put her in our lives and we already love her. We will give her every chance to grow and love and reach her potential, whatever level that may be. Her life will be 1000 times better being part of a loving family compared to staying where she is. In spite of our concerns, nothing has really changed. Nina is still our daughter. We will deal with whatever happens as a family.

It seems God has stepped forward to carry our burden tonight. Next to Him, the wolf isn’t looking so big. At 2:00 a.m., we are completely drained and we crash.

Day 16 – A New Day

Things look different today and we go on the offensive. Anna joins us and we come up with a plan.

Today we are going to learn more about where Nina stands. We ask the nurses to bring in another baby to see how Nina reacts. We ask all the nurses on duty about their opinion of Nina and how they view her development. We research and find, with the help of our Austrian friends who are still in Austria, an independent doctor in Almaty who provides pre-adoption consultations. We secure a commitment from the orphanage director to release Nina to us so we can take her to the consultation which gets set for the following day.

All of this is happening in parallel as we begin our visit with Nina. She comes in and shows no reaction to us as usual. She is so sweet though and looks us right in the eyes.

In the meantime, we have given Anna the task list and she is chasing down every nurse on duty to learn more about Nina. And what we learn is both sad and enlightening. Nurse Cholepan tells Anna that Deanna (Nina) is indeed developmentally delayed, but that all of the children there are developmentally delayed. The reason is that the baby/nurse ratio is 10:1 up to 20:1. There is no play time and no interaction except for feedings (babies are not held) and diaper changes. That is it. The only social interactions are these brief encounters with the nurses, and what the babies can see and hear through the slats in their cribs.

Now think about this for a minute because it takes a while to sink in. What if your whole life was spent on your back in a crib with only a bottle stuck in your mouth three times a day and your diaper changed periodically? That’s it. No toys, no books, no music, no holding, no talking, no love. It is just you and your bed. Our doctor commented that Nina’s behavior is consistent with a significantly deprived environment, and this baby house certainly qualifies.

Nurse Cholepan said there is just no time for the staff to do more, and that the babies “must develop themselves.” Nina and the rest of these babies have been “developing themselves” for 7 months now. This is all they know.

It is hard to believe even though we are seeing it with our own eyes. How can a child survive these conditions and deprivation? This is so unimaginable that it takes a while to sink in, if it can ever completely sink in.

Another sad tidbit comes from Anna as she observes the nurses’ reactions to her questions about Nina. When Anna asks about the other babies in the baby house, the nurses tends to light up and say something sweet about them. However, when Anna asks about Nina, the nurses act like they don’t really know much about her. The vibe Anna gets, and this is reinforced by little comments the nurses have made, is that the nurses (all Kazakh) take special interest in the Kazakh babies. Nina, however, is Kurdish. She is an outsider, a minority, and the Kazakhs and Kurds (and Russians) in Kazakhstan don’t always get along. Unfortunately, the cultural and ethnic biases naturally carry over to the babies.

As we ponder these things, we gain a new perspective on Nina and how alone she is. We must be a complete shock to her. What are all of these toys and books and smiles? What is all the talking about? And holding? Am I supposed to smile when they smile at me? I think I like it but what is going on? It seems Nina has good reason to be delayed in her social and language skills, and in everything else. We have to get her home.

But today is not about sadness. Something magical happens in the room today - something magical that Mom and Dad really need after last night.

First, the baby they bring in to visit with Nina is our old friend Baby Cholepan. We are so happy to see her again. We just learned that the Austrian couple will return December 15 to see Cholepan. That is such great news to us. Fortunately, Cholepan doesn’t freak out when she sees Monte this time. Monte plays with Cholepan while I play with Nina. Group photo.

Note to nurses: button the shirt under the pants, not over them!

Nina warms up quickly today. And the baby that has such a hard time laughing and smiling changes into one who cracks up all day long. Her laugh changes from a smile and a giggle to a laugh that is full of life. She looks in our eyes and smiles at us.

Nina takes time to wrestle with Cholepan. Action sequence: kick to the side.

Roll over; elbow to the face.

Cholepan counters with the tongue.

Nina even passes one of our doctor’s tests by sitting up with the support of only her hands on the ground. Not bad for only two weeks of training!

And then we hear, for the first time, beautiful coos as she is lying on her back. She likes Mommy's cold rub-down.

It is as if Nina had been listening to the discussion we had with our doctor last night. She shows huge progress today in both the language and social areas. She seems completely normal in the way she looks and acts. We learn that her little spirit is way more powerful than her 7-months of isolation. Anna cannot believe the difference in Nina over the past 2 weeks, and Monte and I cannot believe the difference in just one day. Here is some full-of-life laughter.

We are so encouraged and really needed it. Our love and understanding has deepened so much for this little girl. She has many more surprises in store for us. God has turned last night’s anxiety to joy with this special day. He has come along side us, and the wolf doesn’t seem nearly as scary.

Tomorrow is our last day with Deanna before heading home on Friday. We look forward to her first outing from the baby house as we visit the medical clinic in the city.